As I discussed in a previous SOCMED post, mentors are abound everywhere. However, how do you distinguish a genuine mentor from a charlatan? In this submission, I shall try and explore the dark side of mentorship.
These (dark) individuals exhibit a complex psychological profile often rooted in narcissistic vulnerability, martyr complex, and manipulative mentoring tendencies. Rather than embodying the qualities of a true mentor such as wisdom, humility, and empowerment, they thrive on an illusion of guidance that is more about self-validation than genuine support. Let’s break this down:
The Narcissistic Vulnerability Paradox
These people often present themselves as both wounded and enlightened, using their past struggles as a badge of authority. However, rather than demonstrating resilience or solutions, they continuously highlight victimhood to maintain sympathy-driven influence. Their audience, seeing their suffering, may feel obligated to admire or follow them and some do so based on pity while feeding the mentor’s need for validation.
Instead of encouraging self-sufficiency, they create a dependency loop where followers feel like they need this mentor to navigate struggles.
Their message subtly implies, "You are lost without my guidance because I’ve suffered and survived."
The Martyr Complex as a Leadership Tool
Many of these figures position themselves as sacrificial figures, framing their pain as a moral currency that gives them the right to lead. They might say things like:
"I've been through it all, and that’s why I’m am one who truly understands."
Rather than teaching resilience or empowering others to rise on their own terms, they keep reinforcing suffering as a necessary part of wisdom. This indirectly discourages independent thinking because if their audience grows stronger and self-sufficient, their influence weakens.
Rigid Ideology Instead of Adaptive Wisdom
True mentors adapt their perspectives based on listening and understanding individual experiences. However, these individuals often impose their fixed ideology because they aren’t actually interested in clarity or growth but rather in affirmation.
They twist conversations to fit their own worldview, dismissing perspectives that don’t align with their narrative.
They often give prepackaged advice, not tailored guidance, because their authority depends on having "the" answers rather than fostering individual growth.
The "Savior" Complex & Presumed Desperation
A true mentor believes in people’s ability to rise, while these individuals assume others are broken and in need of saving. This is dangerous because:
It predetermines people as victims rather than capable individuals with agency.
It subtly undermines self-confidence, implying that without their wisdom, the listener cannot escape their struggles.
It fosters emotional dependency rather than courage and independence.
The Problem with “Emoting Weakness” as a Lesson
While vulnerability can be powerful in storytelling, constantly using weakness as a tool turns into manipulation rather than inspiration.
If every lesson centres around "look how much I’ve suffered", it shifts focus from empowerment to pity.
Over time, followers internalize struggle as a necessary part of wisdom, which can be detrimental to progress.
What Kind of People Are These?
They are validation-seekers masquerading as mentors. Some possibilities include:
1. Covert Narcissists – They present as humble, but their need for admiration is just as strong as an overt narcissist’s.
2. False Prophets of Self-Help – They build influence not by empowering but by reminding you how much you need them.
3. Manipulative Martyrs – They enjoy perpetual victimhood because it gives them control over perceptions.
4. Ideological Dictators – They demand agreement rather than encourage critical thought. They detest conflicting ideas.
The True Measure of a Mentor
A real mentor does not seek to create followers, instead, they seek to create leaders. If a mentor’s guidance leaves people dependent on them instead of equipped for independence, they are not a mentor. They are a performer masquerading as a guide.
Personally, I have just encountered several such individuals through discourses, including one such lady who made some rather defamatory and racist remarks, deleted her responses and chose to deny she ever said them. Then, some choose to categorize you before having the courtesy to confirm my views. Oftentimes, messages need to be explained in great detail, and one needs to assess, and if they are not comfortable, they have a right to ask and confirm what was said.
That reaction, deleting responses, suggests defensiveness rooted in insecurity rather than a willingness to engage in meaningful dialogue. Again, if they truly had confidence in their stance, they would have either clarified their position or engaged with your perspective rather than erased it.
This kind of behaviour is often seen in individuals who:
Fear intellectual challenge because it threatens their self-image as a "mentor."
Confuse disagreement with personal attack or when the disagreement is neutral or exploratory. Often, I tend to provide examples of where certain topics, views or situations are common, but these are a part of that exploratory dialogue.
Control the narrative by silencing perspectives that might expose the rigidity of their thinking.
Another example is when I allude to comment about possibly being influenced by media or external sources in a neutral, open-ended observation and hardly an attack. When we talk about open dialogue, who sets the framework of what can and cannot be discussed? Is free thought and speech truly free? A thoughtful person would have either clarified their stance or engaged in a discussion about media influence. Instead, they portray being exposed to something uncomfortable that they were unwilling to confront.
It seems several mentors were more concerned with maintaining an image than having a real conversation. That, in itself, speaks volumes about their authenticity as mentors.
I conclude by saying that mentorship is a two-way street. The mentor and mentee are both on a path of learning.
This is one of those submissions where I invite discourse.
The Gentile!
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